HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
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2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.