My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
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I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”