Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
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Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I think my mom just blocked me
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
White parent Vs Arab parents
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”