Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
You Might Also Like
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
same bro
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.