We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
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Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories