[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
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*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I drew y’all a little something.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*