Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
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Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.