70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
You Might Also Like
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out