One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
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Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
*jazz hands*
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Covid like
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.