Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
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A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.