2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
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me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.