[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
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Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Why is everyone getting married at me
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”