Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
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Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
me and my fake scenarios
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55