HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
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I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
black phone good
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
the worm is coming from inside the brain