I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
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Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
mom gave me mine for free
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Every haunted house movie:
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE