Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
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Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
No, I don’t think I will.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.