Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
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I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called