Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
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Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
pat pat
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him