*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
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Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
*orders delivery*
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Lmao
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.