For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
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Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
sugar glider wrangler
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.