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[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.