My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
You Might Also Like
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here