I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
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Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾