Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
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6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free