The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
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Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
asking santa clause for nudes
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Google assistant rules
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Living the best life.. 😊
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…