can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
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January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat