This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
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I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
*skinny dips into black hole
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Me, in DM rooms…
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.