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Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.