To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
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Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
😅🤣😂
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!