8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
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What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
guilty
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow