No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
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Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Cake!!
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/