We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
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How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Cats (2019)
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.