The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
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The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Hank is one in a melon.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.