Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
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Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
This one’s “Alex”.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
This story is comedy gold 😂
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.