Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
You Might Also Like
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman