Why is it spelled camouflage and not
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Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
How do you like your Corgi?
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur