*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
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this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”