*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
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Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?