People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
You Might Also Like
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
good let them take over I have had enough
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
any last words?
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
PLOT TWIST:
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.