I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
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[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.