I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
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Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
The happy life.. 😊
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.