Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
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You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.