KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
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Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.