Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
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You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…