Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
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HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up