There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
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“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.