Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
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Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Ghost costume 😂
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.