nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
You Might Also Like
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.