Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
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“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.