Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap